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  • Writer's pictureCelise de Carvalho

Achieve more control moving forward.

Updated: Feb 26, 2023

So you want 2023 to be calmer, more peaceful, more connected, and more successful? What makes this possible?

It all starts with you. By now you have probably learnt that you can not control others, just yourself. When we are young our locus of control is external. We believe that things happen to us because of things outside of our control. For example, I failed a test because the teacher doesn’t like me, OR I fell off my bike because you weren't watching me. As we mature we, usually, start to learn that we influence the outcome. For example, I need to study more to get a higher grade, OR if I want to learn to go off a jump on my bike I need to practise x, y and z first.

Like most things in life, locus of control is not absolute.

Having an internal locus of control, wanting to nail the jump, and putting in all the hard work does not guarantee success. There are other factors at play…external factors. What if it’s raining on the day you attempt the jump? Or someone’s car alarm goes off just as you take off? All you can control are the parts you have control over and then accept the rest.

If you believe you are a major influence in the fate of your life you are more likely to have the motivation to take action and change your situation when necessary. Which comes back to what makes it possible for you to have a calmer 2023? Or a more connected 2023? Or a more successful 2023? Or whatever it is that you value for 2023?

If your answer to this is an external factor such as - when my son finishes the HSC or when my boss retires or when I move to the new house - your locus of control is external and you are finding it hard to take responsibility for your outcomes.

If your answer to this is an internal factor

Such as - I have stressful events going on (HSC, unpleasant boss, want a new house) but I can manage how I respond to these by going for a walk daily or taking 3 deep breaths before walking into my boss’ office or naming 3 things I love about my current house then you are taking responsibility for what you can influence and how you want things to unfold.

This can be harder to do than it sounds.

When we are preschoolers we have parents, caregivers and teachers by our side encouraging us to develop our external locus of control. When we fall off the bike they explain how to try again, encourage us and help put the plan in place. As we get older that cheer squad drops off. If we don’t have a champion who could help build our self-confidence and guide us back to believing in ourselves we can get caught in that rut. Our thinking stays in the groove of blaming others, believing we have no control. This can be for most things in life or just for one area.

We continue to grow, learn and develop. We figure out ways to move forward in life and make things happen. But there might be a little stuck point deep in there somewhere. We are often unaware of it until it gets triggered and we revert back to the toddler/teen/younger self and start blaming everyone else. These stuck points live in our unconscious. We aren’t aware of them until we are coming down from being triggered and wondering why we just responded in that out of character manner or why we can’t walk away from the situation and think about it calmly.

Yes, it's frustrating. Yes, it makes you feel hopeless, silly or juvenile. Maybe you should know better but if you have never had the opportunity to slow down and let your subconsciousness do some processing how would you know better? Life is a journey. We haven’t finished learning when we leave high school, university or our first job. Our brains are malleable and will keep on developing as long as we challenge it.

You can build new neural pathways towards a different 2023.

You need enough internal locus of control to motivate yourself to try something new and keep working away at it. It’s hard but you know that what you want takes effort. You’ve done it before, you can do it again.

I can help you explore the triggering spot, help you tolerate it and flow into the calm spot. I will work with you to build a safe space where you can explore at your own pace. You are more powerful than you are giving yourself credit for. Let’s open up the possibilities.


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